You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
