professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
