guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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