i jhust puked up my retainher.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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