i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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