so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
