Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
