I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
