Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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