What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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