She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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