I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
