On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
