1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
