Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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