You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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