She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
