my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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