I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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