my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
