i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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