Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
