I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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