Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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