By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
