Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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