This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
