John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
whose ass print is on the piano?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
