My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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