oh god the rape fog is back!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
