We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
pop tarts are not kleenex
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
