dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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