sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
