i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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