turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
