my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
