I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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