One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
