can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
