I accidentally burped into my bong.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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