my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
