I am in a vortex of obligation.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
