my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
