I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
