morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
