I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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