Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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