my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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