I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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