She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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