ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i barfeds in our rink
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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