listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
