Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i believe in u and ur pee
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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